Who Wants to be a 500 Galleonaire!
by Chilamala
Summary: 10 lucky contestants get to compete for the grand prize of 500 galleons(!) Starring Regis Philban and a cast that is slowly driving Regis to the mental hospital. Editing the chappies now cuz ff.net keeps messing them up...R&R!
1. The Psychotic Beginning

Ok the formatting thing on this chapter screwed up for some reason, so I had to replace it. It's the same chapter, but I added/changed some stuff and corrected my God-awful spelling and grammar. ::everyone cheers:: I dunno, it was a weird phase I went throught, you know: "itz kewl 2 spel things rong!" What can I say? I'm an idiot. Well, now you can read the story without trying to smash your computer screen in frustration. The grammar will no longer taunt you and/or haunt you.  
  
Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN HARRY POTTER [but I like to pretend I do]. Oh, and I don't own Regis Philban either.  
  
Regis: Welcome to tonights episode of Who Wants To Be a 500 Galleonaire  
  
Audience: ::cheer::  
  
Regis: Tonights contestants are Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, Ron Weasley, Ginny Weasley, the Troll [yes, the one you all thought was dead! MAHA!!], Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, Draco Malfoy, Severus Snape, aaaaaannd Lord Voldemort!!  
  
Audience: ::cheers::  
  
Regis: Today we'll skip that annoying fastest finger question. The first contestant is...Harry Potter  
  
Audience: ::cheer::  
  
Harry: ::runs up to the Hot Seat::  
  
Regis: Hi Harry  
  
Harry: Hey Regis  
  
Regis: Are you ready to win tonight?  
  
Harry: YA  
  
Regis: Alright, somebody's enthusiastic. Ok. Lets play Who Wants to be A 500 Galleonaire!!  
  
Audience: ::cheers::  
  
Regis: For the 100 galleon question: On Star Wars, who is Darth Vader's/Anakin Skywalker's son? Is it a) Chewbacca b) Daffy Duck c) Luke Skywalker or d) Jar Jar Binks?  
  
Harry: Uuuhhhhh....a!  
  
Regis: Chewbacca?  
  
Harry: Yeah.  
  
Troll: Chew-ba-cca...Chew-ba-cca ::snort::  
  
Regis: Ok then. Is that your final answer?  
  
Harry: Ye-NO!!! I think I'll go with d. No wait...c.  
  
Regis: ::pissed off:: Is that your final answer?  
  
Harry: Ye--wait. Ye...no. No. Yeah, yeah it is.  
  
Regis: That is correct!!  
  
Audience: ::cheers::  
  
Hermione [from now on she is known as Hermy]: Alright Harry!!  
  
Ron: WOO!!  
  
Draco: Regis? When's it my turn?  
  
Troll: Chew-ba-cca  
  
Sirius: Yay.  
  
Ginny: ::waving pompoms:: Gimme and H! Gimme an A! Gimme a--  
  
Regis: I will ask the audience to please sit down and remain SILENT  
  
Audience: ::does so::  
  
Regis: The 200 galleon question is: who plays Frodo the Hobbit in Lord of the Rings? Is it a) Orlando Bloom b) Elijah Wood c) Heath Ledger or d) Chewbacca?  
  
Harry: Who the hell is Chewbacca???  
  
Troll: Chew-ba-cca  
  
Harry: Shut up  
  
Troll: ::snort:: Chew-ba-cca. Chew-ba--  
  
Harry: SHUT UP!! ::throws his wand at Troll and it goes up Troll's nose::  
  
Troll: ::snort:: Ugh. Not again  
  
Regis: Please answer the question.  
  
Harry: Ok uhh.....  
  
Draco: Regis, can I go pee?  
  
Regis: Wait till Harry's turn is over  
  
Troll: Goddammit Harry!  
  
Harry: What?  
  
Troll: This stupid wand is stuck!  
  
Hermy: Troll, have you ever heard of deodorant?  
  
Troll: ...yeah...I'm not stupid...  
  
Draco: Troll, don't make me laugh!  
  
Hermy: Well, you smell!  
  
Regis: QUIET!! Harry, answer the question.  
  
Harry: Uhhh...b.  
  
Regis: Thank you! That's correct!  
  
Draco: Can I go now?  
  
Regis: NO!! The 300 galleon question is: what is the Molson Canadian beer slogan? Is it a) I am Canadian b) I am Russian c) I am here or d) I want beer?  
  
Draco: DON'T TALK ABOUT LIQUIDS!  
  
Hermy: I'm bored. ::starts singing:: Motivation such an aggrivation!! Accusations don't know how to take them!! ::keeps singing that line over and over::  
  
Bob: Uhh...Regis? We got a message for Troll.  
  
Troll: Goody!! ::gets up and goes to Bob::  
  
Hermy: Motivation such an aggravation--  
  
Sirius: Holy cricket!! You've said that line 5 times!  
  
Hermy: Well that's the only part I know!  
  
Sirius: Then sing something else  
  
Hermy: ::looks and sees Troll coming back from Bob:: Something ugly this way comes--  
  
Troll: Shut up!! Why are you so mean to me?  
  
Hermy: Hmmm...lets see. You tried to kill me in the bathroom!  
  
Voldemort: [shocked] Troll!!! The girl's bathroom??  
  
Troll: I was lost!  
  
Regis: QUIET! Harry, if you please.  
  
Harry: ::stupidly:: Well, I do please!  
  
Regis: What?  
  
Harry: ::ignores him:: B.  
  
Regis: I am Russian?  
  
Harry: Yep  
  
Regis: You think that a company called Molson Canadian would have a slogan like "I am Russian"?  
  
Hermy: It's A you idiot!  
  
Harry: Oh...ok then. A it is.  
  
Regis: ::tired:: Right.  
  
Audience: ::cheers::  
  
Regis: Now for the final 500 galleon question. What is potential energy? Is it: a) hormones b) stored energy c) pineapples or d) apple pines?  
  
Harry: WHAT???!!!! I don't know!!! ::turns to look at Hermy::  
  
Hermy: Sorry hun, can't tell you. Bob got mad at me for telling you the last one.  
  
Troll: ::pulling at the wand in his nose:: CHEW-BA-CCA!  
  
Harry: SHUT UP!  
  
Draco: ::dancing in his seat:: Guys I really have to go. ::screams as a snotty wand flies onto his lil table thing:: Who's wand is this?  
  
Troll: ::Looking at the wand and feeling his nose:: Alleluia!!  
  
Snape: Look at me everyone! I'm talking!  
  
Troll: The wand's out of my nose!! Look 'Mione look! ::sticks his fingers up both his nostrils::  
  
Hermy: Eww! THAT'S IT!! I'm moving!!! ::gets up and sits in Harry's empty seat::  
  
Harry: Yo Mofo! I mean, Malfoy! That's my wand!  
  
Voldemort: ::looking at the wand:: Whooooooooooaaaaaa! :: takes out his wand and puts it beside Harry's:: They're twins!  
  
Harry: I know!! Isn't it cool? Mr. Ollivander said they both--  
  
Regis: Harry, focus.  
  
Hary: Right. The answer is......  
  
Draco: Hurry the hell up!  
  
Harry: Ok! GOODNESS! The answer is--  
  
Sirius: You know, Remus hasn't said anything this whole time.  
  
Ginny: I think he's dead.  
  
Ron: He's sleeping, you idiot!  
  
Harry: B!  
  
Regis: Congratulations!!! You just won 500 galleons  
  
Harry: Cheap. I mean, YAY! YAY ME!  
  
Draco: Harry I have never loved you more than I do now ::gets up and runs to the bathroom like there's no tomorrow::  
  
::little confetti things fall from the ceiling::  
  
Troll: Snow!  
  
Ginny: ::with her pompoms again:: Gimme an H!!! Gimme an A!!  
  
Regis: Bob!! Music!!  
  
::Bob plays the music. It's "Golden Years" by David Bowie::  
  
Hermy: ::singing and dancing:: Don't let me hear you say life's taken you nowhere, ANGEL!  
  
Voldemort: ::dancing with Hermy. No, not slow dancing:: Lalalalalala!  
  
Snape: Master! Stop! You're too old to do that!  
  
Voldemort: Nonsense! I'm having a bloody blast!! I haven't had this much fun since I killed your parents Harry!!  
  
Harry: Uh huh...::decides to join the dancing::  
  
Regis: ::slowly backing away from the lot:: Thanks for tuning in. Join us next time on Who Wants To Be A 500 Galleonaire!!  
  
And that is all for now...::menacingly:: FOR NOW...Ok everyone, it's review time! So go click on the review button and do what it tells you! 


	2. The Story of Voldie's Hair

Ahoy hoy! So, you've come back for more. Excellent.....MUAHAHAHA! Well, here's another episode of Who Wants To Be A 500 Galleonaire. The cast is as insane as ever, so enjoy!  
  
Disclaimer: Same as last time. These things are pointless!!! Anyhoo, I don't own HP, Regis Philbin [whoever thinks I do has another thing coming], or anything else I don't own. K?  
  
***Who Wants To Be A 500 Galleonaire: Episode 2 [Attack of The Psychos]  
  
Regis: Welcome to tonights episode of Who Wants To Be a 500 Galleonaire!!  
  
Audience: *cheers*  
  
Regis: Tonights contestant was difficult to choose, but we chose.  
  
Draco: ::screams in excitement::  
  
Regis: Remus  
  
Draco: Aw shucks.  
  
Remus: Me? Aw you shouldn't have! ::runs up to the Hot Seat::  
  
Regis: How're ya feelin tonight?  
  
Remus: I feel GREAT!!! I'm gonna kick your ass Harry!!  
  
Harry: Not if I kick yours first!! ::runs up and kicks Remus in the butt::  
  
Remus: ::tryin to take in what just happened::  
  
Regis: .o.k then. Are you ready to play Remus?  
  
Remus: Ya  
  
Regis: Ok. Lets play Who Wants To Be a 500 Galleonaire  
  
Audience: *cheers*  
  
Regis: Ok, the first question is: What does Harry hear whenever he gets near a dementor?  
  
Harry: WHAT??  
  
Remus: Ho ho!!! I know this!  
  
Regis: Ok, first of all, I didn't finish the question yet. And second of all, Harry, please refrain from screaming like that.  
  
Harry: Like what?  
  
Regis: Like what you just did.  
  
Harry: ::looks confused::  
  
Regis: Like THIS!!  
  
Harry: Oh, so now your allowed to scream and I'm not?  
  
Regis: ::makes a weird squeak in frustration:: Anyways, is it a) his mom b) birds c) himself SCREAMING or d) a tuba?  
  
Remus: Simple.  
  
Regis: ::waiting for him to answer::  
  
Remus: ::twiddling his thumbs::  
  
Draco: A  
  
Regis: Draco  
  
Draco: I'm sorry. I couldn't stand the tention!  
  
Harry: How did you know that answer?  
  
Draco: A little bird told me.  
  
Troll: Don't talk to birds, Malfoy. Its not normal.  
  
Draco: Its an expression.  
  
Troll: That's what they all say.  
  
Hermy: Look who's talking, Troll.  
  
Troll: What do you mean?  
  
Hermy: I've seen you having those fun times with your little flying friends.  
  
Troll: [shocked] No!!  
  
Hermy: You like them birds, don't you?  
  
Troll: No!!  
  
Hermy: Yes!!  
  
Troll: ::runs away sobbing::  
  
Harry: Sheesh 'Mione. Why did you do that for??  
  
Hermy: I told you, I don't like him!  
  
Draco: That was mean!! I swear, sometimes you're such a kook.  
  
Hermy: Ya well you're the meaning of a dumb blond.  
  
Draco: How dare you!!  
  
Voldie: You know, my natural hair colour is blond.  
  
Draco: REALLY????  
  
Remus: I think now would be a good time to answer the question. The answer is A, his mom.  
  
Regis: That's correct!!  
  
Ginny: ::expressionless, stands up, waves a lil flag, then sits back down::  
  
Regis: Ok, now for the 200 galleon question. On Moulin Rouge, what is Nicole Kidman's character's name? Is it a) Satin b) Satine c)Nicole or d) Hermione?  
  
Hermy: Heh.  
  
Remus: What the heck is Moulin Rouge?  
  
Voldie: The history of my hair is a long and heart wrenching tale. It has touched the hearts of those fortunate enough to hear it.  
  
Draco: Ooo, do tell.  
  
Voldie: Well, when my mother gave birth to me, she thought I had red hair. She was so happy it brought tears to her eyes-  
  
Harry: [very sneakily] Pst!! Remus! It's ::cough:: b! ::cough::  
  
Remus: ::gives Harry a thumbs up sign:: Alright Regis, the answer is b.  
  
Regis: Correct!!  
  
Harry: Damn. I thought that was wrong.  
  
Voldie: --when she found out it was blond, she got so upset. She threw a tantrum. Then she died. All because I had blond hair-  
  
Draco: No!!  
  
Regis: The 300 galleon question is: Who does Ron secretly have a crush on?  
  
Ron: Hey!!  
  
Regis: [ignoring him] And the keyword hear is secretly. SECRETLY. Is it: a) Fleur b) Parvati c)Hermy or d) Ginny?  
  
Ginny: Ew.  
  
Sirius: I know this!!  
  
Ron: How??  
  
Sirius: I have my ways.  
  
Voldie: --so when I had grown into my attractive young self, I got a bottle of dye and-and -  
  
Draco: [excited] Yes????  
  
Voldie: [dramatically] I dyed my faithful blond hair red  
  
Draco: You didn't!!  
  
Regis: Ok Remus, who does Ron like?  
  
Sirius: [all giggly] It is, like, sooo obvious!!! He's just afraid to tell her how he feels!!  
  
Remus: Who is it?  
  
Sirius: Just look him in the eye. Its right there.  
  
Remus: ::looks Ron in the eye:: I got it!! Its c, Hermione.  
  
Regis: Correct!!  
  
Ron: Jeez, is it that obvious?  
  
Harry: I never noticed.  
  
Hermy: Aw, you can tell me Ron. You can tell me anything. I'm your FRIEND. Ahem.  
  
Voldie: --but then I realized that read made me look like a clown. Its all in the skin type, you know?  
  
Draco: Totally.  
  
Voldie: So I tried black. And VOILA! ::points to his head::  
  
Draco: ::wiping his eyes:: That was so beautiful.  
  
Ron: ::gets down on his knees:: Hermione, my love, will you marry me?  
  
Hermy: WHAT?????????  
  
Harry: No!!  
  
Ron: Yes!!  
  
Harry: ::throws a marble at Ron::  
  
Sirius: Ooo..Jerry! Jerry!  
  
Troll: ::coming back:: Did somebody call me?  
  
Everyone: No.  
  
Troll: Oh. ::leaves again, casting Hermy the evil eye.  
  
Ron: So 'Mione, will you-  
  
Hermy: No  
  
Harry: Ha.  
  
Sirius: Her heart belongs to Harry.  
  
Harry: Really?  
  
Hermy: Sirius!  
  
Ginny: He's MINE!!  
  
Regis: Ok peeps, shut up. This is a game show, not a soap opera.  
  
Draco: ::finds what Regis just said amusing:: Next time on 'General Game Show', will 'Mione marry Ron?-  
  
Hermy: I already said no.  
  
Draco: And how will the evil sorceress Ginny keep 'Mione away from her love, the dashing Harry Potter?  
  
Ginny: I'm working on it.  
  
Regis: Ok, Remus, the 500 galleon question is: "Reward Your Curiosity" is the slogan for what? Is it a) Pepsi b) Vanilla Coke c) Cheese Strings or d) Kirby Paint and Tiles?  
  
Troll: ::sticking his head through the door:: KIRBY!!!!!! ::leaves and starts laughing evil-villain-style::  
  
Snape: What the hell was that?  
  
Hermy: [singin] I think my butt's getting big!!  
  
Voldie: It's not.  
  
Hermy: Shut up.  
  
Harry: [sneakily, once again] Hey Remus, the answer is c!!  
  
Remus: ::gives him a thumbs up:: alrighty Regis, the answer is.c!!  
  
Regis: Is that yuor final answer?  
  
Remus: Yep.  
  
Regis: I'm sorry, the correct answer was b.  
  
Harry: SUCCESS  
  
Remus: Damn you Harry!!  
  
Regis: Don't scream!! Well folks, that's the end of Who Wants To Be a 500 Galleonaire. Tune in next time for round 3!!  
  
::lights go back on and Bob plays the music. Its "Marry Me" by Marc Anthony [at least that's what I think its called]::  
  
Song: Won't you marry me, marry me!!  
  
Ron: [looking a little like a maniac] BWAHAHAHAHA  
  
Hermy: :;getting scared of Ron, runs to the bathroom::  
  
Voldie: [looking into the camera] Hi.  
  
Draco: Bye people. Remember to keep watching General Game Show  
  
That's it! That's all! It's over! Alright, I'll stop now. Ok all you readers, you know what you have to do now. That's right, review! Because reviewing makes me happy, and when I'm not happy, everyone suffers. MUAHAHAHA! Only joking, I am Fred! Sorry, Philosopher's Stone moment. Alright I'll leave you to your DUTY now. You know what I mean. The little button in the bottom left hand corner. It's calling your name. ::skips away singing "Sparkling Diamonds" from Moulin Rouge:: 


	3. The Death Of A Pylon

Welcome back! When the train comes to a complete stop, please exit to your left, down the ramp, past the yellow line. Thank you for riding--::gets wacked in the head with a long stick:: Whoa, sorry 'bout that. I've been brainwashed by Canada's Wonderland.  
  
Anyway, I honestly don't know why ff.net has to keep screwing up my formatting. I think they just don't like me. Ah well, I'm editing the formatting AGAIN on these chapters because SOMEONE ::glares at ff.net people:: feels the need to keep inserting random lines in the middle of me chappies. Happy reading!  
  
Disclaimer: I DON'T OWN ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Or do I? ::insert evil laughter:: Nah, I don't.  
  
*******Who Wants To Be A 500 Galleonaire: III (just picture the 3 as the dinosaur claws like on Jurassic Park 3. There you go  
  
Regis: Hi everyone, and welcome to the 3rd episode of-  
  
Draco: General Gameshow  
  
Regis: Draco, I warned you not to say that but still you do it.  
  
Draco: I am so clever.  
  
Regis: Ya. Anyways, welcome to Who Wants To Be A 500 Galleonaire!!  
  
Audience: *cheers*  
  
Hermy: Does the audience ever do anything besides cheer?  
  
Ron: Well, what do you expect the to do, MARRY eachother??  
  
Hermy: Would you just give up on that already?  
  
Regis: Ahem. I believe we have a GAMESHOW ::glares at Draco:: to get on with? Well, due to popular demand, Draco you are our next contestant.  
  
Draco: ::jumps up, blows kisses to all those who voted for him to go up, then walks up to the Hot Seat like he's gonna receive an Academy Award::  
  
Regis: How are you feeling tonight?  
  
Draco: I am absolutely, positively splendid.  
  
Ron: I'm not ::glares at Hermy::  
  
Hermy: There's a spider on the floor Ron.  
  
Ron: ::screams like a little girl::  
  
Sirius: ::laughs like a maniac for about 5 minutes::  
  
Everyone else: ::gives him weird looks::  
  
Sirius: ::wiping his eyes:: Oh, that was priceless.  
  
Troll: Wow Harry, you haven't said anything this whole time!  
  
Harry:I was trying to see how long I could hold my breath for. You RUINED it thank you very much.  
  
Regis: Ok, the 100 galleon question is: Wendy's hamburgers are what shape? Are they a) round b)square c)triangular or d) Wendy doesn't make hamburgers.  
  
Draco: Who the hell is Wendy? Oh I know her!! She's from The Wizard of Oz, right?  
  
Hermy: That's Dorothy, dumbass.  
  
Harry: We had Wendy's for dinner last night, didn't we?  
  
Draco: ::gives Harry a disgusted look:: YOU ATE WENDY????  
  
Regis: Just answer the question, Draco.  
  
Draco: Ok. Its d.  
  
Hermy: Oh my God.  
  
Regis: Is that your final answer?  
  
Draco: ::looks at Hermy who is shaking her head, then at Harry who is nodding:: I don't know who to believe!! The smart girl who gets every question right, or the rich guy who is trying to make me lose!!  
  
Regis: Why is it so hard for you to answer a question?  
  
Draco: Ok ::closes his eyes:: I'm going with Hermione!!  
  
Hermy: [singing] I'm your man, you're my girl-- ::stops, looking stunned::  
  
Regis: Everyone ignore that. Now, Draco, answer please. Is it-  
  
Hermy: [singing] Its alriiiiiiiiiight! If you feel it boy-  
  
Draco: ::closes his eyes and points to a letter:: B!!  
  
Regis: CORRECT!!  
  
Audience: ::glares at Hermy:: *cheers*  
  
Troll: [singing a strange tune] CHEW-BA-CAAAAAAAAAAAAAA  
  
Harry: Shut up Troll!! AAAAAAHHHH!!!! ::puts on earmuffs and once again attempts to break his record for longest breath holding [15 seconds!!]::  
  
Regis: The 200 galleon question is: in the April issue of YM Magazine, who was the celeb featured in 'Awww Yeah'? Is it: a) Alex Band b)Elijah Wood c) Josh Hartnett or d) Harry Potter?  
  
Draco: Uuuhhh...  
  
Hermy: ::tries to make an A with her fingers::  
  
Draco: ::looks hard at Hermy's fingers:: P?  
  
Hermy; ::gives up::  
  
Harry: ::falls on the floor and lies there::  
  
Remus: What the hell?  
  
Ginny: HARRY  
  
Harry: ::gets casually back up:: Never try holding your breath for more than 20 seconds.  
  
Hermy: Oh. I thought you might have passed out from the smell.  
  
Harry: What smell?  
  
Hermy: ::looks evilly at Troll::  
  
Troll: Hey, I smell pretty good for a troll, you know!!  
  
Sirius: Its true, he does.  
  
Draco: Hello! I still need to answer my question. Hermione, who's the hottest out of the 4 guys?  
  
Hermy: I dunno, they're all pretty hot.  
  
Remus: ::gasps and turns to Sirius, whispering loudly:: She thinks Harry's hot!!  
  
Sirius: Ya I think everyone knows that by now.  
  
Ron: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! ::throws his wand at Harry, but it hits Snape, who has been staring at the lights the whole time::  
  
Snape: ::doesn't move::  
  
Draco: HAHA!!!!! The saga continues  
  
Ron: ::puts up his hand:: Regis? Can I go get my wand?  
  
Regis: [who has been taking calming breaths] No. Draco, answer the question.  
  
Draco: I'm gonna havta ask the audience.  
  
Audience: [is happy to be doing something other than cheering] ::votes 80 % a, 40% b, 20% c, 19% d::  
  
Regis: That only equals 99.  
  
Bob: Sorry I forgot to vote.  
  
Draco: I'm gonna go with a.  
  
Regis: Correct.  
  
Audience: *cheers*  
  
Hermy: [singing] There's a place I know in Ontario-  
  
Sirius: What's she singing now?  
  
Harry: NOOOOOOOO!!!!! ::presses earmuffs closer to his head::  
  
Hermy: [continues her song] Where the sea lions kiss so the story goes! It's amazing show and Friendship Cove! Everyone LOOOOOOVES Marineland!  
  
Harry: AAAAAAAHHHH!  
  
Regis: Ok. Everyone stop.Stop screaming, stop singing, stop trying to break people's chairs.  
  
Sirius: ::lying under Snape's chair with a screw driver:: You just couldn't keep your mouth shut, could you?  
  
Snape: You know, if you did break the chair, I would've landed on your face.  
  
Sirius: I am a kamikaze.  
  
Regis: Sirius, go back to your seat. The 300 galleon question is: Who won the 2002 FIFA World Cup? A) France b)Italy c) Uruguay or d)Brazil?  
  
Draco: Fi.fa?  
  
Hermy: [singing] Olay! Olay olay olay! Olay ::pauses:: Does it suddenly seem really cold to you?  
  
Voldie: No.  
  
Hermy: ::suddenly clutching a blanket:: [whispering] They're everywhere. When they get mad, it gets cold. Do you know why you're scared when your alone?  
  
Remus: Hermione, I think you need help.  
  
Draco: WHAT THE HELL IS FIFA?  
  
Hermy: [to Remus] YOU need help!! ::attempts to strangle him with her blanket::  
  
Remus: What the hell are you doing?  
  
Regis: HERMIONE!!!! Sit down!! NOW  
  
Hermy: Hey don't yell at me, yell at HER, the bitch ::points to Ginny::  
  
Ginny: ::looks up from her notepad, where she was writing her plan called "How To Kill The Mudblood" and starts talking with an African-American accent:: You don't go yellin at me, ya hear, bitch!!  
  
Harry: Shut up, Ginny. ::throws a marble at her::  
  
Hermy: Where are you getting those marbles from?  
  
Harry: Mind your own shit. ::throws a marble at her::  
  
Regis: Harry, don't swear.  
  
Harry: Let me get this straight. I'm not allowed to scream, I'm not allowed to swear. I NEED MY FREEDOM  
  
Draco: ::steals Bob's megaphone thing even though he has a microphone::  
  
Bob: What the hell do you think you're doing with Bob Jr.?  
  
Draco:[talking through the megaphone] What is FIFA?  
  
Harry: Soccer.  
  
Draco: Oh.  
  
Hermy: [singing] Somebody SAAAAAAAAVE MEEEEEE  
  
Sirius: You never shut up, do you?  
  
Hermy: I refuse to be labeled.  
  
Sirius: ????  
  
Hermy: [continuing the song] Don't care how you do it just SAAAAAAAVE-- ::screams as a marble hits her in the eye::  
  
Regis: Alright Harry, give me the marbles.  
  
Harry: [like a 5 year old] No!  
  
Draco: The answer to the 300 galleon question is d, Brazil.  
  
Regis: That's right.  
  
Audience: *cheers*  
  
Ron: How'd you know that?  
  
Draco: Process of elimination.  
  
Ron: ????  
  
Voldie: KODAK MOMENT  
  
Remus: What?  
  
Voldie: I dunno I just wanted to say something.  
  
Hermy: [guess what she's doing] Two trailer park girls go round me outside, round me outside, round me outside! ::attempts to make the DJ noises:: Chi- chi WA!! Didididi chi-chi WA!!  
  
Voldie: You really need help, Hermione.  
  
Regis: The final 500 galleon question is: Shakira was born in what South American country? A)Poland b)Sri Lanka c)Ethiopia or d)Columbia.  
  
Draco: ::chewing on his wand:: Uh huh...  
  
Remus: Only one country there is actually IN South America.  
  
Hermy:[singing again] Lalalalala hair blow!! Lalalalala oh no!! Lalala-  
  
Sirius: Why are you singing that if you don't even know the words?  
  
Hermy: It is in my HEAD.  
  
Draco: Ok, South America, um. I know its not Ethiopia or Columbia.  
  
Hermy: ::tuts::  
  
Draco:: Shut up, you. I'm gonna go with a, Poland.  
  
Regis: Final answer?  
  
Draco: You know it.  
  
Sirius: Stop trying to be cool.  
  
Regis: I'm sorry, the correct answer is d, Columbia.  
  
Voldie: ::smacks Draco in the head:: Since when is Poland in South America?  
  
Harry: I am the undefeated champion!!! In both winning and breath-holding.  
  
Hermy: But you fainted.  
  
Ron: He always does. Constantly fainting.  
  
Harry: I LIKE TO FAINT!  
  
Bob: ::talking through a pylon because Draco broke his megaphone a.k.a Bob Jr.:: Ok everyone, the music's coming now.  
  
::Music starts. Its "Alive" by POD::  
  
Hermy: [singin the song] IIIIIIII....I feel so ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!! For the very first time  
  
Harry: ::throwing marbles at random people::  
  
Troll: ::doing ballet. He tripped over one of Harry's marbles and, consequently, broke Hermy's table and chair as well as Bob's pylon::  
  
Bob: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! ::picks up the broken pylon:: Why must you be so cruel??!!  
  
Regis: ::holding a bottle of Aspirin:: Thanks for tuning in. Stick around for Episode 4. ::shivers::  
  
And that would be all for this chapter...PLEASE REVIEW! Haha, do I sound desperate or what? 


	4. The Bob

Hey everyone!! Holy, I haven't updated since August!! I'm updating today cuz I'm sick and have nothing to do. Yup. I have a newfound love for Lord of the Rings. It's really cool!!!! And to think, I used to hate it. That was like the beginning of last year though. I've matured very much since then. Yeah right. Lol. Anyhooz, read the story peeps  
  
Disclaimer. I OWN HARRY POTTER. I'm kidding people, don't sue!! Oh ya, and I stole a couple of quotes from movies and shtuff. Actually, the movies I used lines from are Kung Pow: Enter The Fist, Black Hawk Down, and The Simpsons (although that's not a movie). Anything else that I didn't mention should go here too, like the "Bohemian Rhapsody" song by Queen that Hermione sings. K I'm done now.  
  
******Who Wants To Be A 500 Galleonaire: Chappy #4  
  
Regis: Hi everyone and welcome to another episode of Who Wants To Be a 500 Galleonaire!!  
  
Audience: * cheers*  
  
Regis: Today's contestant is-Troll, what are you doing?  
  
Troll: ::attempting to sit on a squirrel:: I need a pillow!  
  
Regis: You know what? That's just too damn bad. You're not getting one.  
  
Troll: Why?  
  
Regis: Look what you did to Hermione's seat!  
  
Hermy: ::sitting on the floor behind a pile of metal and wood (her former seat and table thing):: This is why we can't have nice things!!  
  
Regis: ANYWAYS, tonight's contestant is...Ron!!  
  
::That "I Believe In Miracles" song starts playing as Ron walks up to the front, and extremely bright disco lights start shining everyone, blinding the audience::  
  
Audience: MY EYES!!! The light, it burns! IT BURNS  
  
Regis: Ron, who said you were allowed to do that?  
  
Ron: How do you know it was me? It's always my fault isn't it???!!!!!! ::turns and gives Bob a thumbs up::  
  
Bob: (wearing a mask that looks strangely similar to the Phantom of the Opera's)::ducks out of site::  
  
Ron: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA  
  
Regis: .....I'm not even going to ask how you're feeling tonight. I'd rather not know what's going on in that head of yours.  
  
Ron: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-  
  
Regis: Ok, lets start. The 100 galleon question is: in Lord of The Rings, what is Frodo's friend Sam's full first name? Is it: a) Sammy b)Samwise c)Samster or d) George?  
  
Troll: (singing) Squirrels are cute ::clap clap:: Squirrels are nice ::clap clap:: Squirrels are fuzzy and they have nice EEEYYYYEEESSS  
  
Sirius: Shut the hell up.  
  
Hermy: He almost killed me.  
  
Sirius: ME????  
  
Hermy: No, Frodo.  
  
Harry: Who?  
  
Hermy: Frodo! Frodo Baggins!  
  
Harry: ......  
  
Hermy: The one who stole your credit card.  
  
Harry: I HAD A CREDIT CARD????  
  
Hermy: Yup. But the important thing is, he tried to kill me.  
  
Snape: No it's not. Voldie here has tried to kill many people before.  
  
Voldie: ::smiles and waves::  
  
Snape: Why, he even tried to kill me. And all because I got him lost in Turkey and then stole his waffle maker.  
  
Voldie: ::nods knowingly:: I have been called bad before. Many have said I do things that are not correct to do. I don't believe in talk such as this. I am nice man, with happy feelings. All of the time. First, a joke. What do you get when you cross an owl with a bungee chord? My ass. Nyah, haha, haha, haha, ENOUGH!!  
  
Hermy: ::ignoring Snape and Voldie:: Evil little guy, he is.  
  
Draco: Frodo? But he's so teeny and loveable.  
  
Hermy: That's what he wants you to think. He lures you in, then......BANG  
  
Troll: ::screams and falls off his chair:: My God, 'Mione, don't do that!  
  
Regis: Ok, Hermione, if you're going to talk about being killed and stuff, GO ON ANOTHER SHOW  
  
Hermy: Fine! ::gets up and goes on the Montel show::  
  
Everyone: ......  
  
Ginny: I was raped by a house elf.  
  
Harry: K, we don't care.  
  
Remus: Harry!! Rape is a serious matter! You shouldn't talk about it like that, because-  
  
Harry: Oooooo look! A pencil!  
  
Regis: (frustrated) Hello?  
  
Snape: Hey Regis dude! WAAASSSSSUUUUPPPP?????  
  
Regis: (weird look) Ok Ron, answer the goddamn question. Is it , b, c, or d?  
  
Ron: Hmmmm...let me see. Which button should I press?  
  
Regis: Button?  
  
Ron: Should I press the...*red* one?  
  
Regis: (exasperated) There is no red button.  
  
Ron: Or the...*blue* one? MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!  
  
Regis: RON!  
  
Ron: Ok, ok. The answer is b, Samwise.  
  
Regis: Thank you!!  
  
Audience: *cheers*  
  
Hermy: ::storms back in::  
  
Harry: That was fast.  
  
Hermy: They told me to come back on I Was Almost Killed By A Hobbit day.  
  
Harry: What's today?  
  
Hermy: I Was Murdered By A Squirrel day.  
  
Troll: ::looks down at the squirrel he's sitting on::  
  
Squirrel: ::grins evilly::  
  
Troll: ::sits down harder::  
  
Squirrel: ::being crushed to his painful death:: Can't... breathe...  
  
Remus: Did that squirrel just talk?  
  
Sirius: No.  
  
Remus: Ok.  
  
Regis: Alright Ron, the 200 galleon question is: who sings the song "Cruel Summer"? Is it a) Christina Aguilera b) David Bowie c)Bananarama or d) Harry Potter?  
  
Harry: Why am I always included in these questions?  
  
Hermy: ::starts singing:: I see a little silhouetto of a man, scaramouche scaramouche will you do the fandango?  
  
Regis: Please don't start.  
  
Hermy: ::continuing the song:: Thunderbolt and lightning, very, very frightening me! GALILEO! Galileo! GALILEO! Galileo! GALILEO FIGAROOOOOOO-  
  
Ron: C!!  
  
Regis: Correct!  
  
Audience: *cheers*  
  
Regis: Ok, we're making good progress here.  
  
::The disco lights start flashing again::  
  
Audience: AAAAHHHHHH!!! ::half of them drop dead::  
  
Harry: What the hell just happened?  
  
Troll: ::starts picking up the dead people to get rid of them:: Raise your hand if you're not dead.  
  
Audience: ::about 30 people raise their hands::  
  
Troll: ::picks up a guy::  
  
Dead Guy: I'm not dead!  
  
Troll: Ya you are.  
  
D.G: No, I'm not.  
  
Troll: Did you raise your hand?  
  
D.G: No.  
  
Troll: Well then, case closed. ::grabs Dead Guy and drags him outside of the gameroom area thingy::  
  
::The two are heard arguing backstage::  
  
Troll: (Off screen) What are you doing???? PUT THAT MARKER BACK IN THE MICROWAVE!!  
  
Regis: Ok, well, moving on. The 300 galleon question is: On the TV show Live Through This, who is the actor that plays Travis? Is it a)Matthew Lillard b)Matthew Carey c) Tom Cruise or d) Harry Potter?  
  
Harry: You see? AGAIN!!  
  
Regis: Harry, are we gonna have to discuss this whole screaming thing again?  
  
Harry: No Regis.  
  
Regis: Good.  
  
Hermy: ::singing:: Get your skis shined up, grab a stick of Juicy Fruit. The taste is gonna move ya!! Take a sniff, pull it OOOUUUUTTTT-  
  
Sirius: Oh, SHUT UP.  
  
Remus: What are Troll and Dead Guy doing backstage?  
  
Sirius: Trying to figure out if Dead Guy's dead.  
  
Remus: I don't think they're accomplishing much.  
  
Troll & Dead Guy: (off screen) ::singing in drunk voices:: SCOOBY-DOOBY- DOO!! WHERE ARE YOU? WE'VE GOT SOME WORK TO DO NOW!!  
  
Regis: Everyone just ignore them.  
  
::lights suddenly dim and point to the ceiling::  
  
Regis: Ok, what's with everyone and playing with the lights today?  
  
::A cloaked figure (a.k.a Bob) is seen hiding where the light is shining (on the ceiling). Phantom of the Opera music starts playing::  
  
Bob: ::swings down on a rope, narrowly missing Snape's head and the camera on the way down::  
  
Draco: ::smoking a pipe:: I say old chap, what in the devil are you doing?  
  
Bob: I'm here to avenge the deaths of Bob Jr. and his sidekick!  
  
Sirius: Who's his sidekick?  
  
Bob: The pylon.  
  
Sirius: Oh right.  
  
Bob: And now, avenge I shall do!!  
  
::Bob runs over to Ginny and pushes her "How To Kill The Mudblood" papers off her table::  
  
Ginny: ::huge gasp:: BASTARD!!  
  
Bob: Ha ha!  
  
Troll & D.G: ::cancan into the room, singing:: Oooohhhh, cancan! Can you do the cancan-- ::stop when they see Bob::  
  
D.G: Who's that?  
  
Troll: (amazed) It can't be! ::gasp:: It is! It's Mary Poppins!  
  
Bob: Huh?  
  
Regis: No, Troll. It's Bob.  
  
Troll: Meh, potato pottatto.  
  
Harry: I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! I need to say a line!! The author is neglecting me!! NEGLECTING ME, I SAY  
  
Troll: ::ignoring Harry:: So *Bob*, how did you manage to get here without me seeing?  
  
Bob: Well, while you were doing the cancan, I swung down from the ceiling on a rope.  
  
Troll: Ah, yes...you've learned well, young Jedi.  
  
Ron: Excuse me, but I believe I have a question to answer. Look, you guys took so long with this whole Bob situation that I got my nails done! See, aren't they pretty? ::holds up his nails for everyone to see::  
  
Regis: ::gets blinded by the light reflecting off of Ron's nails:: You like blinding people, don't you?  
  
Ron: I like shiny things.  
  
Regis: Ok, anyways, on with-  
  
Hermy: THE SHOW!!  
  
Regis: Shut UP!! Ron, answer the bleepin question.  
  
Ron: Right. The answer to the 300-galleon question is-  
  
Draco: Hey you guys, check this out.  
  
Regis: ::getting really pissed off:: Oh MY GOD  
  
Draco: I'm thinking of trying out for American Idol.  
  
Hermy: You're not American.  
  
Draco: Just shut up and listen! ::starts singing an Nsync Medley:: It's tearin' up my heart when I'm with you! But when we are apart I feel it too!! Dirty pop, doodeedoodoo can't stop!!  
  
Harry: ::joining in the Nsync Medley:: Would you be my girlfriend! I'll treat ya good!  
  
Regis: Oh, this truly is hell!!  
  
Bob: ::sitting on the floor:: You know, Ron still hasn't answered the question.  
  
Ron: I know. And now, since I have to say this quickly before someone cuts me off again, I will guess and say...C!!  
  
Regis: I'm sorry, that's wrong. The correct answer is b, Matthew Carey.  
  
Remus: I can't even remember what the question was.  
  
Harry: YES!!!! I am still the victor!!! ::does the happy dance, followed by his victory dance, while "We Are The Champions" plays in the background::  
  
Hermy: Victor.........Viktor Krum!!  
  
Draco: What's your point?  
  
Hermy: I dunno.  
  
Regis: Well Ron, you didn't win anything.  
  
Ron: Oh well, there's always tomorrow. ::starts singing:: Tomorrow! Tomorrow! I love ya! Tomorrow!  
  
Voldie: ::walks in the door:: I missed the end? WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME????  
  
Hermy: Where'd you go?  
  
Voldie: To the ice cream store thingy.  
  
Hermy: You spent that long at an ice cream shop?  
  
Voldie: Hey, they had 31 flavours!!  
  
Hermy: Ok.........  
  
Voldie: Yup. My stomach's gonna hurt tomorrow.  
  
Troll: I think I just swallowed helium.  
  
Regis: ::looking into the camera, smiling:: Well, hope you had fun. Join us next time on Who Wants To Be A Galleonaire. ::expression suddenly changes from smiling politely to extreme fear and insanity:: Please, kill me now!! There are all crazy!!  
  
Harry: ::singing:: My baloney has a first name, it's H-A-R-R-Y. My baloney has a second name, it's H-A-R-R-Y.  
  
Hermy: ::wearing a army helmet. I don't know where it came from:: We are on the ten-yard line men, can you count 'em? One, two, ten! I need my linebackers, HOO-AH  
  
Draco: What are you talking about? Why does every other thing you say never make sense?  
  
Hermy: ::yelling at Draco:: You say this is your safety?!  
  
Draco: Waaaa?  
  
Hermy: Well, this is my boot, soldier, and it will fit up your ass with the proper amount of force!  
  
Draco: ::yelling back at Hermione:: I spanked you as a baby, and I'll spank you now BITCH  
  
::wipes hands together:: And that's the end of the chapter. Review, ok? ::everyone nods mechanically:: Good. BWAHAHAHAHAHA-- 


	5. The Quoting Begins and Regis Just Can't ...

Well, after almost a year of not updating (yes, a YEAR), my Muse came back to me and my Writer's Block left me for another woman. I was just sitting here drinking my ice cappuccino from Tim Horton's (yes, I know it's December) when I thought to myself, "Dang it girl, are you just gonna sit here on your ass drinking an ice cappuccino and ignore the scary dreams you've been having lately about ff.net throwing Harry Potter books at your head? No, you are not! Not when there are pointless fics to be updated!". So now I'm back. Aren't you all just so glad? HAHA! And I want to give a big, huge, happy THANK YOU to all the nice people who reviewed!!!! I love you guys!! ::wipes tear:: Ok, I'm here to give you the 5th chappy of Who Wants To Be a 500 Galleonaire, not to bore you with my rambling, so......here it is!  
  
P.S Return of the King came out! WOO! All you LOTR fans can share my excitement. And I'm getting Pirates of the Caribbean for Christmas! The wait is torture, but I'm gonna make it!  
  
Disclaimer: Let me pound this into your heads, all you people who are gonna sue me if I don't: I don't own ANYTHING! Actually, I lied. I DO own Bob, Dead Guy, Bob Jr., the pylon (God rest him), and the audience! ::mutters to self:: One step closer to ruling the world....And the bunch of quotes I stole are from these movies in the order that they appear (I should write the credits for a movie one day): The Sixth Sense, The Others, LOTR: The Two Towers, Underworld, Romeo & Juliet, The Ring, LOTR: FOTR, Pirates of the Caribbean, Moulin Rouge, Titanic, and The Italian Job. That is one HECK of a long disclaimer.  
  
OY!! OVER HERE!! READ ME!! Ok, I just realized that this chappy talks about the 5th book and who died and all, so if for some reason you haven't read the Order of the Phoenix yet, be warned, there are spoilers. Alright, read on.  
  
********Who Wants To Be A 500 Galleonaire: Chapter 5*********  
  
REGIS: Hello everyone, and welcome to another episode of Who Wants To Be a 500 Galleonaire!  
  
AUDIENCE: *cheers*  
  
REGIS: Tonight's lucky contestant was chosen based on the grief of the author and a certain reviewer. And others who encouraged him being chosen. Tonight's contestant was chosen as a tribute to his horrible, horrible death.  
  
CHILAMALA: ::wails somewhere in background::  
  
TROLL: Ooo!! It could be me!  
  
HARRY: You didn't die, you were knocked out you idiot. I plainly stated that to Hermione in the first movie.  
  
TROLL: Right Hare, I think I'd know if I died or not, thank you very much.  
  
HARRY: Did you just call me Hare?  
  
TROLL: Harry takes too long to say.  
  
HARRY: It's two syllables!  
  
TROLL: It's ugly.  
  
HARRY: Oh, like Troll is much better! That's like me naming my kid Human.  
  
TROLL: ::hurt gasp, crosses his arms:: I want to go home now.  
  
REGIS: You can't go home, the show just started. And I haven't even announced the person yet!  
  
VOLDIE: Well hurry up! Or I'll set my goonie on you.  
  
SNAPE: ::makes threatening poking motions with his wand in Regis's direction::  
  
GINNY: I thought you said you aren't a Death Eater!  
  
SNAPE: I'm not a Death Eater, I'm a goonie.  
  
GINNY: Ah.  
  
SIRIUS: Has anyone else noticed that Hermione and the Malfoy kid are missing?  
  
::Everyone looks around at Draco's seat and Hermy's remains of her seat to find them empty::  
  
RON: ::gasp:: They've eloped!  
  
VOLDIE: Dun dun dunnnnnn!  
  
RON: I knew it! I knew it! ARGH!! ::rips his shirt off and roars with anger, just as a bunch of green paint pours onto him::  
  
DEAD GUY: ::painting the ceiling:: Woops. Sorry.  
  
RON: ::on top of his table thing, jumps off and runs around the room:: RON MAD! RON SMASH!  
  
REMUS: ::wearing a long wig, a fake beard, and a tye-dye T-shirt with a peace symbol on it:: Destroying things only destroys your soul, dude. MAKE LOVE, NOT WAR!  
  
RON: SHUT UP LUPIN! RON SMASH! ::runs by Ginny's table, grabs her "How To Kill The Mudblood" papers and throws them on the floor::  
  
GINNY: Again.  
  
REGIS: Ron! Sit down! They did not elope, they're vacationing somewhere in the Caribbean!  
  
RON: Oh. ::sits down:: Wait, why are they in the Caribbean?  
  
REGIS: Hermione won tickets form some Most Likely To Become a Psychotic Axe- Murderer contest, and they went.  
  
RON: Why the hell did she take Draco?  
  
REGIS: I don't know. What is this, 20 Questions? As I was saying, the contestant-  
  
REMUS: ::dressed as a vampire:: I vant to suck your blood!  
  
REGIS: The contestant is.........Sirius Black!  
  
::The Titanic song ("My Heart Will Go On", for all you village idiots out there) starts playing, then abruptly stops because the authoress isn't capable of listening to that song without bursting into tears. Instead, the Ghostbusters theme song starts playing as Sirius makes his way to the Hot Seat::  
  
SIRIUS: My untimely death is very good for my publicity.  
  
TROLL: You're dead? OH MY GOD! I SEE DEAD PEOPLE! ::creepy whispering:: Where's my daughter?  
  
SIRIUS: Are you mad? I am your daughter!  
  
REGIS: Shut up! That's not even possible! Troll, you don't have a daughter. And Sirius, you're a man!  
  
SIRIUS: Oh right. Haha. Silly me.  
  
REMUS: Great. So now, out of my three friends, two are dead and one's the Dark Lord's bootlicker. Weehoo.  
  
VOLDIE: Haha!  
  
REGIS: Alright Sirius, let's begin.  
  
HARRY: ::deep dramatic voice:: And so it begins.  
  
REGIS: Will you PLEASE stop quoting other movies?  
  
TROLL: NEVER! ::runs out of the room::  
  
REGIS: ...right then, For 100 galleons, what is the name of the 2002 war movie starring Josh Hartnett, Orlando Bloom, and Ewan McGregor? Is it a) Pearl Harbour b) Black Hawk Down c) Underworld or d) Charlie's Angels?  
  
REMUS: ::still dressed as a vampire:: I am a Death Dealer, sworn to destroy those known as the Lycans. Our war has waged for centuries, unseen by human eyes. But all that is about to change.  
  
REGIS: I said STOP QUOTING-  
  
SIRIUS: I know the answer!  
  
REGIS: You do??  
  
SIRIUS: Yup. It just so happens that I watched this movie last night. And all thanks to Snape.  
  
SNAPE: I TOLD you it would help you sometime in the near future!  
  
SIRIUS: Well sorry, but when someone comes up to you and says, "watch this movie. It will help you sometime in the near future" it IS kinda creepy.  
  
REGIS: Just answer the goddamn question!  
  
SIRIUS: Righto......the answer is b) Black Hawk Down.  
  
REGIS: And that is correct!  
  
AUDIENCE: *cheers*  
  
RON: Hey you guys, look! I decided to try Lupin's idea about love and not war, so I wrote a poem.  
  
REMUS: I'm so inspiring.  
  
RON: Wanna hear it?  
  
EVERYONE: No.  
  
RON: Here it is. ::clears throat:: He jests at scars that never felt a wound. But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Hermione is the sun. That's all I got so far.  
  
HARRY: ::sarcastic:: Wow Ron. You sure are creative.  
  
RON: Actually, I'm not. I stole that from a movie.  
  
HARRY: Did it happen to be called Romeo and Juliet?  
  
RON: Yeah! Have you heard of it?  
  
HARRY: You're an idiot.  
  
REGIS: Ok, shut up. The 200 galleon question is: in the movie The Matrix, what is Keanu Reeve's character's name? Is it: a)Hubert b)Lenny c)Neo or d)Clive Owen?  
  
SIRIUS: Oooo...that's a toughie.  
  
HARRY: ::sarcastic:: Yeah. If only The Matrix was a famous, groundbreaking movie that set a new standard for fantasy movies everywhere.  
  
SIRIUS: I don't need your sarcasm, sir.  
  
HARRY: Oh, I think you do. ::suddenly gets hit in the head with a paint brush:: OW!  
  
D.G: Sorry. My fault.  
  
GINNY: Dead Guy, why ARE you painting the ceiling?  
  
D.G: Oh, I'm just practicing for my role on Trading Spaces.  
  
GINNY: Oh, you like interior designing?  
  
D.G: ......interior what?  
  
GINNY: Designing.  
  
D.G: ......what designing?  
  
GINNY: Interior.  
  
D.G: ::blank look::  
  
GINNY: INTERIOR DESIGNING!  
  
D.G: Oh, THAT. No, I don't like it. What gave you that idea?  
  
GINNY: Well, I figured you did when you said you're on Trading Spaces.  
  
D.G: I never said that.  
  
GINNY: Yes you-you know what, forget it.  
  
REGIS: EXCUSE ME! Could we just let Sirius answer the question?  
  
SIRIUS: But I don't know the answer!  
  
REGIS: Well figure it out!  
  
SIRIUS: Right......so......his name, his name.....well, Spongebob's pet snail's name is Gary, so that's not it......Harry, do you know the answer?  
  
REGIS: Meh, you can't do that!  
  
SIRIUS: And why not?  
  
REGIS: ::through clenched teeth:: Just because.  
  
REMUS: ::dressed in the Jane's Addiction's lead singer's outfit from the Just Because video:: You got the most! But nobody loooooooves YOU! Nobody haaaasssss TO! JUST BECAUSE !!  
  
REGIS: Will you SHUT UP!  
  
REMUS: ::offended:: Well sor-ree.  
  
SIRIUS: Anyways, Harry, do you know?  
  
REGIS: ::exasperated:: Are you serious?  
  
SIRIUS: I'm dead serious.  
  
RON: That's funny, cause you ARE Sirius and you ARE dead.  
  
REGIS: Quiet Ron.  
  
HARRY: Pssst! Sirius! The answer is the 3rd letter of the alphabet.  
  
SIRIUS: ......R isn't an option, stupid.  
  
HARRY: C! C is the 3rd letter of the alphabet!!  
  
SIRIUS: Alright, calm down. Regis, the answer is c) Neo.  
  
REGIS: Alright, now normally we wouldn't' count that, seeing how Harry screamed the answer out and everything, but I'm desperate to get this game moving, so that's correct.  
  
AUDIENCE: *cheers*  
  
TROLL: ::walks back in wearing an "I Survived Gigli" T-shirt, a giant mitten thing that says "Wash The Whales!" and a pair of chartreuse cowboy boots:: Hey guys, look at this!  
  
::Troll puts a mop on his head, making the stringy part cover his face::  
  
TROLL: 7 days...  
  
HARRY: ::sarcastically:: Oh yeah, you're scary Troll.  
  
TROLL: Everyone will suffer...::trips over Snape's table thing and flattens it::  
  
SNAPE: Damnation!  
  
REGIS: TROLL! I'm gonna make you start paying for all your vandalism!  
  
TROLL: ::thick English accent:: Alright young sir, I meant no offence. It's my job to ask questions after nightfall. There's talk of strange folk abroad. Can't be too careful......  
  
REGIS: What did I say about quoting movies? Anyways, the 300 galleon question is: What is the Hulk's human name/alter ego? Is it a) Bruce Banner b) Eric Bana c)Kurt Cobain or d) Aragorn/Son of Arathorn/Isildur's Heir/Strider/Elessar/Estel/Thorongil-  
  
VOLDIE: STOP THE MADNESS!  
  
GINNY: I like the sound of that last one.  
  
REMUS: ::dressed as Kurt Cobain (i.e. grunge-y) and singing:: Load up on guns, bring your friends-  
  
SIRIUS: ::joining in:: It's fun to lose and to pretend-  
  
REGIS: ::slaps Sirius:: Focus!  
  
SIRIUS: ::a la Jack Sparrow:: Not sure I deserved that.  
  
REGIS: ::smacks fist on table:: That's it. The next person to quote a movie has to give Bob a sponge bath. He's getting mighty smelly over there.  
  
BOB: ::sitting in the corner clutching pictures of Bob Jr. the megaphone and his pylon, rocking back and forth:: By land...by sea...by air...THE PIRATES ARE COMING!  
  
RON: ...He just quoted a trailer. Does that count?  
  
REGIS: No, that doesn't count! I said MOVIE, not movie TRAILER! Now Sirius, answer the bloody question.  
  
SIRIUS: Well someone's a grumpy guss.  
  
REGIS: ANSWER IT!  
  
SIRIUS: Alright, alright! The answer is a) Bruce Banner.  
  
REGIS: Thank you!  
  
AUDIENCE: *cheers*  
  
::Suddenly, "Drain the Blood" by The Distillers starts blaring as Hermione and Draco burst into the room, Hermione slightly sunburnt and scowling scarily (hurray for alliteration!), and Draco wearing a sombrero with a blank expression::  
  
RON: ::ecstatically:: Hey, you're back!  
  
HERMY: Ya, no thanks to him. ::points to Draco::  
  
DRACO: Oh yeah, blame it all on me!  
  
HARRY: Why? What happened?  
  
HERMY: Everything! But the worst part had to be Draco getting us lost in a pyramid for eight hours.  
  
DRACO: Oh, come one! It wasn't that bad. ::excitedly:: I saw a monkey.  
  
HERMY: For the last time, YOU WERE HALLUCINATING!  
  
GINNY: Wait, why were you in a pyramid?  
  
HERMY: Because Draco's an idiot.  
  
GINNY: Oh yes. Thank you for explaining.  
  
HERMY: ::sigh:: Draco got us kicked out of the Caribbean in an incident involving a hockey stick and a bag of pretzels, which I don't feel like explaining. So we went to Egypt.  
  
HARRY: Why?  
  
HERMY: Where else were we supposed to go??!!  
  
HARRY: Umm...I dunno...  
  
RON: Where'd Draco get the sombrero?  
  
HERMY: He stole it off a hobo down the street.  
  
DRACO: ::grins stupidly::  
  
VOLDIE: That's my boy!  
  
REGIS: Alright, now I'd like to thank Hermione and Draco for barging in here and INTERRUPTING THE SHOW!  
  
HERMY: Whoa...what's up with you?  
  
SIRIUS: He's very pissy today.  
  
TROLL: ::singing high-pitched-ly:: PMSSSSSS!!  
  
REGIS: TROLL! I don't appreciate that!  
  
TROLL: Sorry I thought you did. ::to Hermy:: Whatever you do, don't quote movies.  
  
HERMY: Righto, Trollio.  
  
TROLL: Trollio?  
  
REMUS: ::wearing a Shakespearean outfit and talking with a Shakespearean accent:: That, milady, sounds like Benvolio.  
  
RON: ::ears perk up upon hearing "Benvolio":: I heard a Romeo and Juliet reference! ::gasp:: I haven't finished my poem yet! Quick, someone inspire me!  
  
SIRIUS: Inspiration, eh? Hmm...think of me in the shower.::winks::  
  
CHILAMALA: ::catcalls in background::  
  
RON: ::Spanish accent:: I'm flattered but I do not thwing that way.  
  
SIRIUS: Oh, come on! ::suggestively:: Does that inspire you? ::claps hands over his mouth as he realizes he quoted Moulin Rouge::  
  
EVERYONE MINUS SIRIUS AND REGIS: ::gasp as they realize he quoted Moulin Rouge::  
  
REGIS: ::looks like he's gonna explode::  
  
SIRIUS: I'm sorry! I didn't mean it! Honest! It slipped out!  
  
REGIS: SPONGE BATH FOR BOB!  
  
TROLL: Spongebob me boy?  
  
REGIS: No.  
  
TROLL: Sponge-boy me bob?  
  
REGIS: No! Sirius, you know what you have to do.  
  
SIRIUS: No, please! Don't make me do it! Look at him! He's insane! Insane, I tells ya!  
  
BOB: ::holding his pictures far out in front of him:: I'll never let go, Bob Jr.! ::drops the picture of Bob Jr.:: Noooooo!!  
  
DRACO: ::cackles insanely:: Now, with Bob Jr. gone, me and my army of toads shall RULE THE WORLD! But we can't let these mortals know that, now can we? ::shifty eyes around the room:: Excuse me while I go for une promenade. ::leaves the room::  
  
HARRY: He speaks French now? And he has an army?  
  
HERMY: Yeah, something about those pyramids unhinged him.  
  
VOLDIE: ::muttering:: Useless minion kid.  
  
REGIS: Ok people, if you try really hard, you can keep your mouths shut and we can finish this show.  
  
EVERYONE: .........  
  
TROLL: ::coughs::  
  
EVERYONE: ...........  
  
TROLL: ::coughs::  
  
EVERYONE: .........  
  
TROLL: ::coughs again and again until he finally coughs up a hairball:: Sorry about that.  
  
REGIS: It's ok. That was really good, you guys. Excluding Troll's hacking and spluttering. Now, let's do this game the way we're supposed to.  
  
SIRIUS: Let's do it like the Italian job.  
  
REGIS: SIRIUS!!  
  
SIRIUS: ::sobbing:: I'm sorry! I ::sniff:: can't ::sniff:: help it! I was MEANT to quote movies! BORN to quote them! Are you going to take that away from me? Huh?! ARE YOU?!  
  
REGIS: You know what, you're already being punished for your ridiculous unnecessary quoting. Let's just move on with the game, shall we?  
  
RON: Yes, thank you!  
  
REGIS: Good. Now Sirius, the 500 galleon question is-  
  
HERMY: Why do we go from 300 to 500? What about the 400 galleon one? Did you forget how to count?  
  
REGIS: NO! I did not! The authoress has her reasons, now SHUT UP!  
  
::surprisingly, Hermione listens to him and begins humming Marilyn Manson's "Mobscene" loudly. Regis chooses to ignore this::  
  
REGIS: The 500 galleon question is: which of these movies is NOT a film by Tim Burton? Is it a) Big Fish b) The Nightmare Before Christmas c) Reign of Fire or d) Edward Scissorhands?  
  
HARRY: How come MY last question was so hard, and everyone else's are so easy?  
  
REGIS: Because that was the first episode, and at that time we weren't aware of the scarily low intelligence that everyone in this room, save me, possesses.  
  
EVERYONE: ......huh?  
  
REGIS: ::sigh:: You're all stupid!  
  
EVERYONE: Oh.  
  
REGIS: Sirius, please answer the question.  
  
SIRIUS: Alright Reg, I'd like to use a lifeline. I'd like to Phone A Friend.  
  
REGIS: Righto.  
  
::a phone is heard ringing from the speakers, then someone picks up::  
  
NEVILLE: Hello?  
  
SIRIUS: Hi! Who's this?  
  
NEVILLE: ::confused:: Neville Longbottom...who's this?  
  
SIRIUS: ::to Regis:: Neville? NEVILLE? Why is HE my lifeline? First of all, I don't know him, second of all, he's an idiot, and third of all, he has a toad!  
  
REGIS: So?  
  
SIRIUS: SO?! That damn toad probably already joined forces with Draco's army thing! He's gonna sabotage my chances of winning! That's SO!  
  
REGIS: ::shrugs::  
  
NEVILLE: WHO IS THIS?  
  
SIRIUS: Sirius Black.  
  
NEVILLE: Oh. ::pause:: Wait, aren't you that escaped convict who died in the Department of Mysteries place?  
  
SIRIUS: Yes, but none of this is relevant right now.  
  
NEVILLE: What do you want?  
  
SIRIUS: Well, you're my phone a friend lifeline, so I need you to answer a question for me.  
  
NEVILLE: Ok then.  
  
::Sirius reads him the question. Neville ponders over it.::  
  
HARRY: Don't you only get 20 seconds to answer the question?  
  
REGIS: Well, with Bob gone insane and Dead Guy painting the ceiling, we don't have anyone running the show, now do we?  
  
HARRY: But that makes no sense. I mean, the Titanic song was playing before, and somehow the questions keep changing on your little screen thing, and-  
  
NEVILLE: Will you shut up? I'm trying to ponder here!  
  
SIRIUS: Hurry up, dammit!  
  
NEVILLE: Ok, I got it! The answer is c) Reign of Fire.  
  
SIRIUS: Are you sure? I don't exactly trust your intelligence.  
  
NEVILLE: ::offended:: Fine! Don't listen to me! I don't know why you asked me in the first place! Have a nice life, Sirius!  
  
SIRIUS: Death.  
  
NEVILLE: Whatever! ::hangs up::  
  
SIRIUS: Well, that went well. So the answer to the question, Regis, is c) Reign of Fire.  
  
REGIS: Is that your final answer?  
  
SIRIUS: Yes, it is.  
  
REGIS: And that is...CORRECT!  
  
AUDIENCE: *cheers*  
  
SIRIUS: I won? I WON! IN YOUR FACE, HARRY!  
  
HARRY: And what exactly are you planning on doing with this money? You're dead. And even if you weren't, you couldn't buy anything without getting arrested.  
  
SIRIUS: Not true. I bought you that Firebolt, remember?  
  
HARRY: Oh yeah. ::smiles:: I love you, Sirius.  
  
SIRIUS: ::grunts:: Shut up, you stupid kid.  
  
::the lights start flashing strobe-style, while "I Love Myself Today" by Bif Naked plays in the background::  
  
EVERYONE: ::becomes blinded and confused by the lights. They start tripping over things/themselves and walking into walls, etc.::  
  
REGIS: Well, it's official. Those who haven't completely lost it are on the brink of insanity. Including myself. So please, pray for me as I would pray for you, were you in my shoes.  
  
TROLL: ::walks by and knocks over the camera::  
  
SNAPE: ::in the background:: Look at the camera! It's sideways! SIDEWAYS! ::bursts into maniacal laughter::  
  
REGIS: From all of us here in this room and Draco, we wish you a good night/day and a very Happy Christmas and Merry New Year. Stay tuned for Episode 6, which will come to you whenever the author sees it fit and/or gets off her ass and decides to do something productive for a change, like writing. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night/day!  
  
Well, it's done! ::collective gasp:: Took me bloody forever, but IT'S DONE! ::skips around the room merrily until she is wacked upside the head with a paddle:: REVIEW, or I'll set Samara/Richard Simmons/The Ghost of Christmas Past on your ass. ::gasp:: That sort of rhymed! Well, I just made my day. Anyway, I thank ye kindly for reading this, and am now stuck talking in Olde English because I watched A Knight's Tale today in French class for reasons unknown. REVIEW, PLEASE!  
  
P.S: Samara (also known as Samara Morgan) is that creepy freak girl form The Ring. If you haven't seen it, then what the hell are you waiting for? I suggest you high tail it to the video store this very moment (after reviewing, of course).  
  
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY, AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! 


End file.
